We all desire a balanced life (even more so when you’re living with a Vestibular Disorder), one with all that life has to offer. We desire love but are met with misunderstanding. We desire go…
Source: Nature’s Ability to Help Us Find Balance
Tag: Invisible Illness
Appearances May Be Deceiving
For all the women still able to, or having to work…Just how exhausting is it getting yourself ready and putting on your ‘happy face’ for work? Exhausting! High fives to all who blow-dry or curl their hair! You GO, girl if you put makeup on! My dad’s mother was a cosmetic buyer forever, and watching her ‘put on her face’ was the source of many a fight between the 4 siblings (even my brothers wanted to see). It was a ritual. She was a beautiful woman who taught me the importance of good skincare, which I continue to this day. Clean, clear, well-moisturized skin goes a long way in my book. I can’t say, honestly, that I look sick any longer (most of us probably don’t). I look sad, but not necessarily sick any longer. I look tired. Who of us gets the kind of sleep we once had? I know at times, I probably look mad (I am!). At this moment, I look older than I’d like, due to being too tired to color my hair (I have a white halo effect going on right now). Who am I kidding with that? My husband took over that job a few years ago! I couldn’t even imagine going through my old morning routine! It was minimal I assure you, but I get tired thinking about it.
Before being hit with Labyrinthitis, I didn’t have trouble sleeping. I was SO a morning person! It was easy to wake up without an alarm, jump in the shower, brush my teeth, etc. I rarely used a blowdryer and occasionally, minimal makeup (hippie chick, remember?). I’d wake up eager to go to work, how many people can say they LOVE their job like that? I was the person you ‘hate’ because they’re so perky in the morning, even Monday mornings! I laughed, joked, and played throughout my work day (keep in mind I worked with children!). I was always baking something yummy (appetizer cheesecake anyone?). I baked fresh bread, cookies, and such. Yeah, I was one of those…I get it now. I get how irritating it can be to see another so perky and chipper when you feel horrid. I miss that old me… Pssssst…You’re still in there, Margaret! To all of you, YOU are still in there, too!
My daily life now? I sleep well, but only because I take Ambien. I have to ‘weigh out’ each day, just what I can accomplish, in OT we call it Energy Conservation. An example: My hair needs to be colored and even though Mike does it for me, I still have to sit there with my head in bizarre positions. I shouldn’t gripe but I have a lot of hair, so it does take quite a while to do it all (maybe 1 1/2 hours?). Then I have to get that crap all out! I have to wash my hair twice, condition it, wash my body, dry off, and put lotion on my 5′ 10″ self…That’s usually it! I’m done! Totally exhausted, but my hair looks great again…Even though I claim my hippie side, I have enough BareMinerals makeup to fill a professional style bag! I have false eyelashes (antiques by now!) in there! Every once in a while, I’ll pull it out, dust it off and just look at it all…BIG sigh…I remind myself, “But your skin looks great”…
I was once known for my fashionable dressing. Now? I live in clothes that make it ‘appear’ I work out, like yoga pants and a cami top…day in, day out…BORING! I am quite capable of making my clothes, I’ve sewn since age 7. Being so tall, I learned to piece together patterns. From there, I learned to make my own patterns. I worked as an ‘In-House’ Designer for a clothing manufacturer. I had a Bridal and Evening Wear business for 10 years, where I showed my Original One-of-a-kind creations with a Designers Guild twice a year. I designed our daughter’s Wedding Gown, all 9 yards of fabric with 748 gold beads and 432 pearl beads, thank you very much! And I wear yoga pants and a cami top and sometimes, I have difficulty deciding which color to wear…Sigh…
When I left my job, there were many changes going on…They were discussing us beginning to wear uniforms, the horror!Where’s the fashion sense in a uniform? We were just beginning the switch from handwritten Progress Notes to Computer notes. I HATED it, absolutely rebuked the idea to the end! Here in the USA, it is Occupational Therapy that is fighting to keep Cursive Handwriting ‘alive’. My mother ingrained all her children the importance of handwriting. That was a huge part of my job, teaching handwriting in the school system. Now? I live on my laptop and have become quite competent with the 21st Century contraptions…I feel lost without my laptop now, so very odd to me, a computer would become my social life! The truth is, sitting here as I am, secure where I am, I don’t feel dizzy, maybe because I’m in bed?
With the modifications I’ve put in our shower (a shower chair and a grab bar), there are no problems in this aspect of getting ready for my day. Minimal as my preparation is for an outing, there are still going to be one of those days every so often. This old hippie will tell you, “You are gorgeous! Just the way you are. You don’t need makeup to be beautiful, as you already are beautiful. Haven’t we been through worse than being seen without hair and makeup?” I encourage you to just try going makeup free for a day… Just your stunning clean, moisturized face and a big smile! For those who do wear makeup daily, you are a stronger person than me, truly! I am not anti-makeup by any means, either. It’s just more work than I am willing to do…Do you feel you ‘have’ to wear makeup before going out? Do you wear it even when not working or going somewhere? Has your mate never seen you without makeup?
vestibular.org
Share this:
Nature’s Ability to Help Us Find Balance
We all desire a balanced life (even more so when you’re living with a Vestibular Disorder), one with all that life has to offer. We desire love but are met with misunderstanding. We desire good health but wonder if we can ever achieve this after what’s happened to us. When I’m feeling at my lowest, a stagger out my back door, my tiny piece of nature holds some of the answers. In the January 2016 National Geographic Magazine, one of the stories covered the importance of nature in our lives. The title…“This Is Your Brain On Nature”, brings to mind the old commercial of the egg in a frying pan, with the tag-line “This is your brain on drugs”. Whereas drugs will ‘fry’ your brain, nature will ‘heal’ our brains, if we actually get out in it, I’m talking to you, Margaret! According to the article, anytime we get out into nature, we are doing ourselves a favor, be it a backyard or the deep wilderness. Unplugging from all our virtual ‘toys’ is a necessity most of us don’t take advantage of enough. Is sitting outside while scrolling our phones the same thing? Well, if you’re looking at your phone, how can you truly experience all that nature has to offer? Yes, technically, you are outside. You can feel the warmth of the sun, feel the wind, hear the birds and so on. What are you seeing, though? If you looked up from your phone, you’d see the brightness of the sun, you’d see the birds, and the trees swaying. This was a fascinating read and it’s something I’ve believed for a long time, nature is good for us.
When I began this post, it was 104 degrees, sunny and barely a breeze. I was sitting outside watching my grandsons play in our hot tub (which in these conditions, it’s a cold tub) when I thought of this topic. The only reason I can be outside in these horrid conditions? Because we have a misting fan, a ‘beach’ umbrella and I was in the shade. My husband just called, saying a storm was coming. What? It’s too hot…Then, a huge crack of thunder (the boys jumped out so fast!), then the wind, and sure enough, a huge ‘heat storm’ rolled through. I love the outdoors, but it hates me, with a vengeance! Since childhood, I’ve been plagued with Heat Exhaustion (faint, throw up and splitting headache!) sometimes within less than a few hours (or less!). I ruined many an excursion while on vacation, many. I have memories of my siblings complaining, my children complaining that ‘I ‘always’ ruin the vacation’! As Mike carried my limp body back to our car, mind you. I was a Girl Scout for 12-years and went to GS Summer Camp for 7 of those years. Each and every time, I was taken to the Infirmary (Ahhh! Air-conditioning!). Mostly, it was for Heat Exhaustion, but twice I wound up with illnesses our Family Doctor said he’d ‘only read about‘ in school (yeah, real reassuring!). My parents thought me to be their ‘delicate little flower’. I guess I do have a long history of illnesses…
I’m like a rose under a torch…I wilt fast! Unless I’m in water…It’s the perfect compliment to my Zodiac Sign, Sagittarius. I don’t truly believe Zodiac stuff, but I am a ‘Fire’ sign and my husband is a ‘Water’ sign…spooky, huh? I wound up in this arid region called West Texas when my dad was transferred here during an oil boom, I was 10 years-old…We did escape here after marriage for 6 months (seriously?) and for 10 years when Mike and I followed an oil boom to Central Texas. That’s God’s country! Rivers, lakes, rolling hills with spectacular bluffs to gaze off into the tree covered valleys. Our children grew up ‘Water Babies’, a method of ‘teaching’ them to swim as infants. When you blow on their face and immediately go under water with them, it’s a natural Reflex makes them hold their breath. I did this with both my children, but please do not try this unless you’re taught! Our son was about 10 months old when I started with him. At 8 months our daughter would sit on the side of the pool, lean forward and splash, she was in and going! By the time she was 4 years-old, all she wanted to do at the pool was swim laps! At first, the lifeguard blew their whistle at her, yelling “You can’t swim here, it’s only for __ age people. I came unglued! “If she swims the same as your magic age group, what difference does it make?”. Sarah was able to swim her laps, back and forth, back and forth…when she was finished, she was done, no playing, just laps. We inner-tubed down many rivers, swam in many lakes…it was Heaven! We were in water more often than not for those 10 years. Then,we moved back…
From West Texas, it’s a minimum 2-hour drive to get to the closet ‘lake’ and 4-hours to get to some real water sources like a river. Rivers are such amazing forces, flowing, twisting, turning. At times just a trickle during a drought, to a raging flood in a matter of hours after a soaking rain. Yes, Texas is a land of great extremes, of that there is no doubt. So just how do I get water into my Sagittarius Fire Sign self? Let’s see…I have a hot tub that in the hot weather, the heater is turned off. Voila! A box sized pool! In water, I can fantasize myself anywhere…Tahiti maybe? Bali? When I’m immersed in water, I’m at my happiest, that’s a fact! I have a water fountain I find soothing to watch and listen to (it also helps to drown out sirens and such). I love to sit by the fountain and simply be. Something as simple as studying the textures of the bark on our 40 foot Pecan tree, can bring such happiness to me. The rustling of the leaves as the almost constant wind blows through. I do a lot of thinking while I gaze at the Hummingbirds feed off the Turks Caps. For these moments are what bring me back to ‘center’ or ‘balanced’, something I think we all desire and definitely need. So, go outside! For nature heals…
For more information on Vestibular Disorders, contact VEDA at vestibulardisorders.org
Share this:
Shiny Objects…
It was such an innocent act of doing some kitchen cleaning, but it set off my first bout of Vertigo in a long time. I’m dizzy almost constantly but Vertigo…it’s a different beast. I was in the kitchen with my husband as he prepared dinner. I decided to clean our coffee area, a small area used almost 24/7 by me, a coffee pot for the morning (which is actually afternoon for us with his crazy work hours) and a Keurig for my evening coffee. I know what you’re thinking, that’s a lot of coffee! Maybe for a 9-5 worker, but crazy hours equals crazy amounts of caffeine. Back to my Vertigo…I was at the kitchen sink washing a shiny metal tray kept under the coffee pot. That’s all! As I rinsed the tray, turning it over and around, it caught the light from overhead and it ‘flashed’. All I know, Vertigo hit! I dropped the tray in the sink as I grabbed the edge of the sink and draped myself over it. Mike looked over at me, “What’s going on Margaret? Are you okay? What happened?”. “Calm down, baby! That pan made me dizzy, I feel horrible!” I realized how silly that sounded as this has never happened to me, a shiny object setting it off Vertigo. This tiny ‘spell’ though, set off another slew of feelings (other than the room spinning). Once you’ve experienced Vertigo, you know the difference between this and dizziness, this was Vertigo.
It may have lasted a few seconds, but the other feelings it set off ruined the rest of my/our evening. For me, it meant bypassing the BBQ brisket, beans, potato salad, and cole slaw dinner for… oatmeal! My body had immediately gone into ‘Fight or Flight’ mode; panic, anxiety, heart palpitations, sweating. The Vertigo, making me nauseous. Now my husband was worried about me. I felt frustrated this had happened, again...I went to bed full of fear and very nauseous but did sleep. I woke up today, feeling okay, yet still feeling defeated by this episode. My husband told me, “What you’re not seeing Margaret, is that you got through it! It happened and you didn’t fall. You didn’t hit your head or break any bones! You overcame it!”. WOW! Another shiny light hit me, this time in the form of a lightbulb in my mind…His words completely changed my outlook! He’d turned my negative experience into a positive one (see why I love this man so much?) and he was right! My first response was going to be, “NO, I haven’t overcome this!”, but for a change, I thought before responding. This really was a first for me, not falling during a Vertigo episode. It was the first time I didn’t let it defeat me. I hate when he’s right but love him to death!
If I’m 100% honest, since all this happened, I’ve taken a back seat to life around my house. I am so very blessed to have a man who picked up the slack on basically everything I used to do and he works full-time. Although I ‘d describe myself as a ‘hippie’, I’ve discovered something interesting the older I get, I have values of a 1950’s housewife! Yes, I feel if he’s working, then I should cook and clean. There was a time I did do all that and more, but that fell by the wayside when I became sick. My furniture is perpetually dusty (I am in windy West Texas), my bathrooms are clean (enough…), my carpet needs vacuuming (our Golden Retriever doesn’t help), the kitchen is clean (enough…), and my herbs and orchids need tending. Yes, there’s always something my mind is screaming at me, ‘Get up off your butt and clean this house!’. That’s the ’50’s mentality I’m talking about, I’m hardwired to be a ‘housewife’ (BTW, what does that even mean? Housewife…).
I’ve had to redefine myself so many times in these 60 years, it’s crazy! In the beginning, Mike and I were so free-spirited and carefree. We were/are inseparable. We met December 7th and married June 7th, he was 20 and I was 18 (YES, my parents threw a fit!), 42 years later, here we are. You may wonder about my/our ‘hippie’ side…in a quick summary, we hated the Viet Nam War (although my uncle served 3 Tours,volunteered for 3 tours. I was very proud of his service!), we didn’t believe in the Draft, I didn’t own a bra, our hair long and parted down the middle, hiphugger jeans with patches, halter tops, and Natural Childbirth (Lamaze to be specific)…I nursed our babies, made their baby food, baked bread I kneaded by hand every other day and made most of our clothes. No, you don’t have to be a hippie to do the very same (you might choose to wear a bra though). While I believed in the Women’s Rights Movement, I chose to be a ‘stay at home mom’, not so Women’s Lib. The fact of the matter was, I wanted to be just like my mother. A humble and beautiful woman, college educated, yet choosing to be a stay at home mother. She wanted 4 children, 2 boys, and 2 girls. That’s what she got, in that order, too! She was a wonderful artist. We lost her to Dementia a few years ago, I don’t know I’ll ever get over it, does anyone? If I summed up my mother in one word, it would be, strength. I want her strength.
As I’m writing this, I see just how complex we are as people. We all have many ‘sides’ to us. So we can be more than our Vestibular Disorder? Lightbulb! I’ve lost so much with this damn thing, I get lost in my head and forget how much I still have…I have a man who has proved his commitment to our wedding vows over and over. I have two beautiful children and two precious grandsons. I still have my beloved dad, who is 88 years-old. I have a beautiful, totally neurotic Golden Retriever who won’t allow me sadness for long. I have a home that protects me from the elements. I have food. I have all this and more, but now I have an outlet, this blog, where I am ‘like’ someone else. In finding VEDA (www.vestibular.org), I found a community of people who get me and I get you. No two of us experience exactly the same symptoms with whatever Vestibular Disorder we have, thus our complexities. We are more like a shiny diamond…there are many facets to us also. Now, I want to further my Zen and listen, I mean blast, my all time favorite band…Pink Floyd’s ‘Shine on You Crazy Diamond’…in honor of all you Diamonds!
Share this:
Into the Great Unknown…Part 3
The Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) had swelled her head to the size of a soccer ball. Her abdomen was wrapped with some type plastic because she was still open! They’d performed as much surgery as they felt she could tolerate and would have to ‘go back in’ for further surgeries. There was a bar going the length of her left leg that was screwed into the bones, holding them together. Then, there was her right foot. It looked like a blown up doctor’s glove! I know this must sound exaggerated, but unfortunately, it was the honest truth. She had been put into a Medically Induced Coma to ‘help’ with the TBI. I have worked in the Medical field my whole life, yet had never seen (much less heard of) most of her injuries. I had so many questions, I basically ‘puked’ them out to the Nurses. We had just arrived, yet after 10 minutes were told we had to leave as ICU patients had very restricted visiting hours. I thought to myself, ‘Okay, everyone except ME, her mother, you have to go because I’ll be right here’…No, it was everyone with no exceptions…I panicked and looked for a place to kiss my angel, but where? She was injured head to toe, bruised and bloody everywhere! I chose to kiss the first place I’d kissed her after she was born, the top of her head. My lips felt small pieces of glass. I told the Nurse as I left, “Please take the glass out…” and was interrupted. “I’m sorry, but that’s the least of her problems”, she said as she gave me a paper listing all her injuries, her Doctors, her number, etc. I don’t feel she was rude or anything, it was a fact. Now, I felt so silly…
We met with one of the three Surgeons working on her that night. The ‘how’s and why’s’ were still a mystery, but what he knew… It was a head-on collision at a high speed (a highway). She had to be cut out her car. The engine had come through the car, landing in her abdomen. Her internal injuries from that were massive. She was Air-Lifted there. A Liver laceration (cut) caused her to ‘bleed out’ (you lose all your blood almost as fast as they transfuse new blood in). Her bowels would require another surgery (thus the ‘plastic wrap’). She was cut from under her chest to the pelvis. The impact hitting the left side, crushing her leg in multiple areas (thus, the bar holding it together, temporarily). Her TBI was a ‘Coup-Contrecoup’ (the brain is shaken side to side, or front to back) thus, the drug induced coma.Her pelvis was in multiple pieces, but this could ‘wait’. Then there was her right foot (that resembled a blown up glove, NOT a foot!)…It was front to back crushed injury, with almost every bone broken in it. These are seen in accidents where the person is attempting to stop a car (her foot was trapped under the brake). About this time, another Surgeon entered, a big ‘teddy bear’ of a man. He was the Surgeon that said, “No, I won’t amputate this foot. It’s viable, I can save it”. I felt myself take a gasp! It felt as if I hadn’t taken a breath since we entered that room. I somehow felt a glimmer of hope over his statement.
I was exhausted, but it would be hours before we’d find sleep. We stayed and waited for the next ‘visiting’ time, over 3 hours away. Her husband was despondent, repeating, “She just dropped me off at work”. My body was running on nervous energy, not requiring or desiring food. We stayed for 2 more visits, which felt more like a ‘viewing’…Our beautiful angel lay motionless, tubes and wires everywhere, a machine breathing for her. Was she really still ‘in’ there? As we left, I realized the glass bridge was ahead! A moment of panic was replaced with, “I have to do this! If she can survive all she’s been through, oh my gosh! I got this, and I did! Back into blackness, yet somehow ‘seeing the light at the end of this tunnel’, we began this journey together. We would need each other to make it through, and we did know, we are stronger together than apart! How long ago had I gone on my ‘Walk’? Although it felt like months, it had been one week; 7 days; 168 hours; 25,200 seconds since I’d felt a ‘weight’ lifted…Had the ‘weight’ been lifted for me to handle this?
Share this:
Into the Great Unknown…Part 2
We traveled as fast as we could safely, but I’m sure Mike wanted to speed. Hell, I wanted to go at Cyber speed or just somehow be Tele transported to Dallas! We stopped only for coffee and bathrooms. Big coffees! I thought the trip to Ruidoso was blah. This stretch of highway was ‘back roads’, going on and on into the blackness. My surroundings were matching my mood, terror, sheer terror. I was terrified for our daughter. I was terrified of the darkness. The only light, the eery glow from the car’s dashboard. Mike and I spoke very little, we just held hands. We were still numb from the news, still attempting to process those words…”Sarah was in a head on collision…”. The black sky I stared at offered no answers. I was dying inside wanting to call, but we were still out of range. Now I was staring at my phone, praying that damn ‘No Service’ icon would disappear. THREE hours in, the icon disappeared, then it hit me, ‘Do I really want to hear the possibility our daughter had passed’? Well, if that was what I heard, NO! My hands were trembling as I called her husband.
My call went to a message saying, ‘This mailbox is full and can accept messages’, I felt my stomach turn over, this wasn’t a good sign. I tried his parents, his mother answering immediately. “Margaret, how much longer until you’re here. She’s in bad shape. The doctors have performed emergency surgery…”, Iva said slowly. “What did they have to do? Why did they start before we’re there”? I asked through tears. I told you I wasn’t processing this, thus the stupid questions. They’d been working on her for hours already, just how long can she be under anesthesia? Iva began listing her injuries and they were truly massive. She had a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, Internal injuries, many badly broken bones in her left leg and right foot had been crushed…My mind honestly, immediately turned ‘Mom Mode’ on, after a year or so in hibernation. Both our children were married and Mike and I were off in a ‘new direction’, getting back to us, getting ME well! Our calls went back and forth for hours. Twice, Iva told me, “They’re not sure she’ll make it”. Each time I asked Iva to ‘please tell her we love her and we’re coming’…I look back out my window and want to scream out loud, but don’t…ANSWER ME BLACKNESS! Oh God, save our baby. Don’t YOU know what’s happened?
It was 8 am when we pulled into Parkland Hospital.We had been without sleep at this point for over 24 hours! All the coffee we drank made us shake, or was it pure fear of what lay inside? Likely a combination, but now my gut just ached! Dizziness hadn’t even crossed my mind the whole way, but as we began the trek into the largest Hospital I’ve ever been in, I think it was well over 10 stories. I looked up, up, up, my eyes began ‘that’ feeling. I grabbed Mike and told him, I had to sit down. I didn’t think to say, “I’m dizzy”! (he’s supposed to know these things!). I didn’t wait for his answer. I did what I felt I had to. No place to stop and sit? No problem, just stop and squat down! As soon at the dizziness passed, we were off again, this time having to cross a glassed covered bridge. Seriously? What was I suppose to do? How will I do this, crawl? The bridge was about 3-4 stories up, I am also scared of heights, it felt an impossible task. Mike was going to have to drag me across! He took my arm firmly in his and told me to close my eyes, he’d guide/drag me across. I had no choice we had to get to Sarah. This damn glass bridge wasn’t going to stop me! Although it was a sunny morning, I found myself back into blackness, eyes closed tight, but I did it! Little did I know, I would cross this bridge over 100 times in my near future…
As we entered the Hospital ER, chaos engulfed us. The lights, the sounds, the smells, people in various states of injuries…We asked where she was at the first Nurse’s Station we saw and told where to go. I’m absolutely overwhelmed, exhausted, and terrified of what awaited us as we walked further and further into the cavernous space. I felt ‘swallowed’ by it. Finally, at the end of a hallway, I saw Iva. The look on her face told me everything, it was bad. She hugged me tightly and said, “You can do this Margaret”. Do what, what was it I could do? Iva took me by the hand and walked me into Sarah’s room in ICU. My first thought, my honest first thought, ‘That’s not Sarah’…It couldn’t be! Sarah is beautiful, full of life…This poor soul was unrecognizable! I looked to Mike for confirmation. The tears pouring down his face gave me the answer my mind still wasn’t comprehending, that this poor, unrecognizable soul was indeed our Sarah…
Share this:
Into the Great Unknown… Part 1
The week following the Retreat flew by so quickly and I was ready for something different. I was feeling optimistic after my time away, now I wanted Mike to relax enough, that he felt might feel the same. As I packed for our upcoming trip, I realized, just how long it had been since we had ‘just us’ time. It had been a really long time…As many of you know, dealing with an ‘invisible’ illness takes a toll not only on us but our loved ones. It takes a toll on our health, our wealth, and our careers. It takes a toll on our relationships, testing them to their limits. I’ve since learned many relationships don’t survive, I am just so blessed with my husband. Was he always this way? The simple answer is no, but he was willing to learn. The ‘old’ me had done it all. For all those years. I raised our children, I cooked gourmet meals for the family, I kept the house, paid the bills, I sewed and mended clothes, and I worked (or used to). Are you seeing a little OCD in me? I’ll admit to that, but only because I have given up on most of this philosophy. I realized if I just lowered my some of my OCD standards, I could be happy again. This was my mindset as we took off for some ‘me’ time with my man.
The trip there was uneventful. It was the usual desolate landscape from West Texas into New Mexico, but we enjoyed out music and talked the entire way. It was wonderful for a change! It becomes scenic about an hour outside of Ruidoso and the mountains come into view. It’s also the beginning of the twists and turns to get up into the mountains. I began gripping the armrest as I felt Vertigo hit me. Ugh! “How much longer?” I whined to Mike. “We’re almost there”, he answered with his usual patient voice to me. We arrived just as darkness hit, so he told me to just wait in the car while he got the house turned on, not a problem! It is a 4-hour trip, but with a Time Zone change, I felt it was an 8-hour trip!
We planned only true laziness and I brought meals from home, just reheat and eat type foods. I plopped down on the couch, as Mike put the beef stew on to heat. I turned the TV on and caught a glimpse of headlights pulling up to our place. No way! Only our family knew where we’d be, so I thought maybe the neighbors were in town too. Then I saw a bouncing light coming towards our house, then up the long stairway to the house, then they were on our deck. BAM! BAM! BAM! on our door. To me (and I do admit to being scared of the dark), it sounded just like a Policeman pounding a door prior to a bust! No, I’ve never been busted! I’ve never been arrested, gotten a ticket or anything of the sort, but I do watch ‘Cops’ on TV. I was terrified by the ‘knocking’, but Mike answered immediately.
“Are you Mike Byrne?” a local Police Officer asked. What is going on? Now I get up to see. “Mr. Byrne, your family has been trying to reach you. Are your cell phones working?” he asked. “Uh, yeah I guess they are, there’s no phone reception for about 2-3 hours…Why? Is something wrong?” Mike asked. I check my phone and it was ‘dead’. The officer’s voice tone was giving me a ‘feeling’ I did not like. “Yes sir, our phones are both dead, what’s up?” The officer repeated our families had been trying to reach us for hours as he gave Mike his personal phone to call his dad. He answered with some of the worst words a parent can hear…’Your child has been in an accident’ words…
I watched the color leave Mike’s face as I ran out the door. I clung to Mike as we listened in horror. We heard what he was saying, but it was too difficult to process immediately. It was our daughter in Dallas. She’d been in a head-on collision. I remember crumbling to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably in total disbelief. His dad told us she was ‘airlifted to the Trauma Unit of Parkland Hospital in Dallas, that it was a high-speed collision and her injuries were life threatening’. It was all just echoing in my head and trying to make sense of this. It made NO sense! All I knew was, we had to leave, now! I don’t remember getting up and going inside, but the next thing I was doing, repacking and dumping food and plugging up my damn dead phone. I wanted this to be a bad nightmare, to just wake up and life would be as it was. Seeing’s Mike’s face again, I knew it was real. “They’ve already done surgery on her, but they don’t think they can save her right foot Margaret…” his voice trailing off. We have never packed so fast but we had to wait for the phone to charge, which sounds so stupid now. Who doesn’t have a car charger for their phone? Well, we didn’t. The only reason we had a cell phone back then, was for emergencies (like me stuck somewhere or I’ve broken another bone), unlike today, never going anywhere without one, and always with a charger. Once the phone had a partial charge, we took off, into the darkest night of our lives.
Our first stop was to buy a car charger. It was a cold, black, moonless night in January. We’d just driven 4 hours to Ruidoso, now headed out across the barren back roads to Dallas, 6 hours away. I turned my cell phone on to find 9 missed calls and just as many voicemails. Mike’s dad, Sarah’s new in-laws, her husband, and my parents. I was feeling sick at my stomach, I wanted to faint, I wanted to wake up from this nightmare! I was shaking as I played the first message, it was from her husband. He sounded numb as he told us he ‘didn’t know all the details, but on her way home after work and after dropping him off, a car crossed the median’. The other messages only became more dismal…’Where are you two? Sarah’s in another surgery…’ to ‘She still alive but has bled out’…I couldn’t just listen, I had to call her husband. He still had little information and was likely in shock. I clutched my stomach, I was going to be sick, it was just all too much. Mike gave me an empty cup and said he wasn’t going to stop. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’d be sick in a cup or bag. I stared out the car window into the pitch black sky and began the longest Prayer of my life…
Share this:
Come, Take a Walk with Me…
Over the next 6 months, I worked very hard on my VRT. I had a goal and that was to get back to my work! Yes, I know, many of you (including most of my family and friends) wonder WHY on earth I’d go back to the very place that put me here. For me, there really was no separating me from my job. I ‘lived’ it whether or not I was at work, these children and their families were part of me. So ‘they’ were my motivation. Just as I once gave them directives for Home Programs with expectations of follow through, now I had a Home Program to follow through with. With nausea and vomiting a rarity, I was feeling very hopeful.
My next visit to Dallas, I saw both my Physician and PT. Both felt I should have progressed more (I really felt I was doing okay), but now this Specialist was making another referral. He wanted me to go to a Rheumatologist, ‘Say WHAT?’ He told me, he noticed that when he simply placed his hand on my back (in greeting or in reassuring me), I flinched. Well, yes I did because it hurt! Oh, good grief! My back, head, and neck were always hurting! “What do you think that means?” I asked. “Sometimes, people who have continued dizziness, and with the pain you told me about, may be Fibromyalgia”…He was interrupted by a very loud “Oh, my God! You have got to be kidding me!” groan…He was very serious and made a referral to one in my area. Plenty of time for research as my appointment was 9 months away.
I would continue with my Home Program plus a couple of new activities. My new activities could safely be done at my work in the very room I loved most, our Sensory Integration Room. I helped design it with the other Therapists and it was built during all my time off. These rooms are a child’s dream playground! Ours was lined with mats, had a zip line that ended into a foam filled pit, suspended swings in a variety of forms (a platform swing you sit on, a spandex one that hugs you, etc), foam blocks, a trampoline, bolsters, a climbing wall, etc. Now do you see why I loved this job? It was PLAY! I was allowed to use this room when no one else was, I thought, this is going to be so fun! It was only once I tried using the various pieces of equipment that I realized, TRULY realized what I was asking of my little clients with Sensory Integration Issues which include Vestibular Issues and Proprioception Issues. What I once actively did with the children, was making me want to go limp and give up. My cheerleader husband set up a number of the swings and it was the spandex one that I was able to tolerate. It feels like a cocoon, a big hug, a nuzzle in your Mom’s neck, a big ‘ahh’. So with me feeling very snuggled, my husband began ever so slowly rocking me. As good as it felt it definitely was working my Vestibular System. I did this about two times a week in addition to the VRT. My co-workers knew my struggle, how could they not? Being unable to work was an inconvenience to be sure, yet my position was being held and I was grateful.
As hard as I worked, I still was ‘wall walking’ and ‘floor watching’ according to my Therapist after my next visit. After almost one year of VRT, I was becoming depressed and my PT picked up on it. We did a lot of walking and talking during sessions, as a Therapist, I know what is going on, I’m being evaluated. This conversation had more to do with why I thought I wasn’t making progress. I told her my fear of falling was crippling me. I felt this valid as I’d broken 7 bones. When a ‘walker’ was suggested for safety (just as I would have in my practice), I flipped out! I gave an absolute “No”! I wasn’t yet 50 years old, I didn’t look at myself as ‘disabled’ (even though I was totally dependant on my husband), so why would I want one? I am a hard headed, hot-headed, redhead. I left this session feeling defeated. I had two very special co-workers that had watched the decline of my once vivacious personality. I was becoming cynical and dismal but felt I covered it up, obviously, I wasn’t. I was approached by one of them offering to send me on a weekend retreat. She really wouldn’t provide much information, other than, “All my needs would be taken care of”. It sounded mysterious and I was intrigued. When I discovered a woman I knew was also going, I thought, why not? Life was feeling so overwhelming at this point, everyone I knew thought this weekend would make me feel better. I was fine with that. We would go in a few weeks, enough time for me to get out of it.
I feel the mystery of the weekend should remain for those who have not experienced it, but the retreat is called A Walk to Emmaus. Some people may be familiar with it, some may never even heard of it, like me. What I will tell you about it, is that for me, it was a profound weekend. It was so wonderful to finally just allow myself to just be, to ‘listen’ to the quiet, to write, to think… For all the excuses I came up with prior to going besides the obvious, “What if I get dizzy or sick?” (it got pretty ridiculous, “I can’t sleep in a room with a ‘stranger'” and “I have to have a sound machine and fan”…), I did it. With hardly any issues! During the ‘Walk’, I had time for reflection and I wasn’t thrilled with the person I’d become. What might happen if I just ‘released’ and ‘gave up’ all the horrid crap I’ve clung to for so long? I thought, truly, what do I have to lose? I decided I’d just let it go…
I left the Walk feeling totally renewed. When my husband saw me, he could tell something was different but couldn’t put his finger on it immediately. He asked many questions, just as I would have if tables were turned, but I continued with the ‘mystery’ and told him, it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I was still processing it, and I wanted him to go to one someday. Just the fact I had a three day period where there was little to no dizziness or nausea was amazing. Mike felt hopeful after hearing I’d done fine the whole weekend and said we needed to do something for us, as it had been well over a year since we had time together, with no appointments or testing to be done. Later that night, he asked, “What about a trip to Ruidoso?”. We have a tiny place there, and it holds so many memories. This is where we Honeymooned, where we created so many great times that only got better over the years. I answered with a very loud, “Yes! It’s been too long” and we started making plans to go the very next weekend. As I lay in bed that night, I felt grateful, I felt happy (what’s that?), but I also felt a little anxious…what IF I get dizzy? That’s how I drifted off to sleep that night, ruminating my conflicted feelings… gratitude/happiness/anxiety…gratitude/happiness/anxiety…gratitude/happiness…
sneezemedizzy 