Let Go and Let God
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
With ways which were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
“How could you be so slow“?
“My child,” He said, “What could I do”?
“You never did let go”…
Yes, this is a very simple and maybe a little sappy (?) poem, but I love it. A good friend gave it to me while I was in school over twenty years ago now. I was away from my husband and two children (5 hours away!), feeling very isolated, trapped and out of place. I was the only student who’d moved to attend this OTA program, everyone else were locals. I immerced myself in my education with 3 like minded students (older) and we would become best friends with the top 4 GPA’s in our class. They knew me well and were very familiar with my PTSD story, as I am an open book! My friend slipped this poem into my hand saying, “I hope this helps you Margaret. You need to let it go”. I taped it to my bathroom mirror, where it remained for the next two years, water spots and all…
I’ll be honest, I feel it did help me…back then. I realized I’ve reverted back to ‘working things in my old ways’. My ‘broken toys’ back then, our lives after Mike was run over. Now though, it’s my Vestibular Disorder. I want my life back! I hate being dizzy…forever! I miss my impulsiveness! I miss dancing! I am a great ‘seated’ dancer, if I may say so. I see now, instead of calmly ‘taking my broken dreams to Him’, I’m afraid I just dumped it ALL on Him, I may have even just chunked some of it, with a touch of bitterness added! Yeah, that’s a prayer He would hear! “Here you go Lord”, (piling the load higher and higher), “Fix this! I’ll be back later to help…” I say as I turned my back and left.
Leaving my problems alone, even after I’ve ‘given it to God’, is something I just might be working on until the day I die! I want to be ‘all up in His business’, but I do believe He works alone…”Uhh, okay God… I’ve been dealing with this Vestibular crap since 2003 and it’s so difficult… It’s 2017 now. I just wanted to check in and see where You are on my miracle”? Surely, I’m not the only one living with a Vestibular or any Chronic Disorder who wants a miracle or at least, wants it all to just go away? Just wants it to stop? Simply desire your ‘old’ life back? And you just thought you had problems before a Vestibular Disorder?
Patience may be a virtue, but I often lack it, sadly. I’m great at ‘snatching back’ issues that I feel aren’t answered quickly enough. So… I’ve been doing more of a tug-o-war with God than truly giving Him my broken dreams? How exhausting! Is it because I now have a wheelbarrow full of broken dreams? What is more irritating than having work to do and someone interrups you, asking questions, “What are you working on now”? “How much longer until you’re through”? “How are you doing that”? That’s me…
I think I found this poem for a reason… I needed to see it again. I’m way too out of shape to do tug-o-war anyway, especially with God! I find myself bitter at times that I ever wound up with a Vestibular Disorder and I find bitterness doesn’t serve me well at all. If I am bitter, I know Depression lurks just around the corner, then comes anger. I can’t live like this, could you? It’s totally unhealthy, it’s ugly, and it’s isolating. My age too, has something to do with how I feel at this point of life. Just as I’m working (yes, still!) on ridding my life of physical ‘things’, my emotional baggage has got to go! I’m becoming ‘picky’ about what I ‘give my energy’ to.
I put a lot of meaning to this childlike poem but it is deeper than it appears. I am going to try this again. This time, I will gently place my broken dreams/life before Him. I will (try my best to!) forget about them, leaving Him to do his work (Come on, let’s face it, there’s a lot to fix!) for as long as it takes. I will practice patience. And I will leave Him to work alone, without insisting on ‘my old ways’ of fixing things. My way hasn’t worked anyway. While He is working, I will busy myself re-learning to enjoy life! Life as it is, at this point…