So…This Is Retirement?

Well, Mike (my husband and rock) has been retired for just under two months and I’ve never felt busier! Oh, I’m still chronically dizzy. I’m still dealing with my multitude of other diseases or disorders but I haven’t moved this much since before my Vestibular Disorder. Mike has been…shall I say, encouraging me to accompany him on all the errands he used to do alone, all of them. By doing so, I came to the realization that when I was diagnosed, I just stopped movement, period. Not that I was bed bound, although I do spend a lot of time in my bed, but I found moving around was so difficult, I made my new routine to remain still as possible. My furniture arranged so I have something to touch as I wobble through my house. As a retired COTA, I knew I needed to move to assimilate/improve my balance but doing so made me feel awful. My first errand was to the grocery store (my nemesis), which was once a happy place for me, but I survived.

Armed with one walking stick and my husband’s arm, I strutted into the store. Well, I thought I was strutting my stuff as we entered the store. Whoa! Get me a basket quick because I was taken aback by the stores two story ceilings and the vastness of the space. I draped myself over the basket and got my bearings. Ugh, this is exactly where I stopped with my VRT, partially due to our daughter’s accident in 2005 and partly because…it’s HARD! I’d left off my home program of VRT with this exact task, going to the grocery store, to work on head turning while scanning up and down. So, with list in hand, we took off to buy groceries. I was grateful I’d made a list because brain fog set in quite quickly.

All these years, Mike has done our grocery shopping, I just gave up. This was a huge task as my first since we were restocking the pantry. I did okay with the visual scanning but when I stepped away from the safety of my basket, I had to think out and plan every single step, with the idea of falling a constant in the back of my mind. I wore my sunglasses inside, partly because of the noxious fluorescent lighting and partly because it kept me from making eye contact with others out of embarrassment. Ugh! Everything seemed to take so much effort, I was so over it but no, there was more on my list… I was so mad at myself for picking such a task but my anger came out on Mike, my love, my rock… Why?

I began this now ordeal, feeling kind of cocky but now felt defeated, exhausted, emotional, dizzy, and angry. This is not a pretty side of me. I disappoint myself when I go to the point of lashing out from this kind of stress. I tried blaming Mike for ‘making’ me go with him. Really? I was grasping at straws, not wanting to take responsibility for my choice to go on this errand. Mike remained calm and didn’t engage. He just let me rant for a while, actually, it was all the way home. There had to be a lesson in here somewhere. Once I was home and in my bed, I had time to think. A hilarious movie we love came to mind. It’s called What About Bob? starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss. Murray’s character has difficulty ‘managing’ his life and a therapist (Dreyfuss) suggests his theory of taking ‘baby steps’ to conquer his fears. THIS was my lesson! Baby steps!

Here’s what I decided I could have done differently:

  1. Pick a realistic task! This was such a huge task to choose as my first. Remember, Margaret, baby steps!
  2. Make sure you are in good operating order. Eat before and bring water.
  3. Make lists! I assure you, ‘brain fog’ is real and you may walk out without the things you need and a bunch of stuff you don’t.
  4. Take a break if you can. Some stores have benches, usually in the pharmacy area here
  5. If all else fails, there’s always tomorrow!

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