Having To Say Goodbye…

There are times I despise my Vestibular Disorder… The past number of weeks have been extremely difficult. They have been weeks filled with retrospect, sadness, peppered with laughter. There were two deaths of loved ones, only one week apart, not truly giving us time to grieve one before the other happened. The first, was Mike’s uncle, passing away at 92 years old. We traveled the 4 hours to attend his funeral and say goodbye to the end of an era. This was a man who had LIVED life to its fullest most of his years. He was an amazing story-teller, actually all the Byrne men are great tellers’ of tales, mostly stories involving oil rigs, drilling and ‘sweet crude oil’, and such. I do live in Texas and this is oil and cattle country out here (we just wish we owned some of it!). He had a beautiful service, but when it was time to go to the burial site, I just could not do it! I was so unstable feeling after dealing with the super high ceiling and lighting…It felt awful having to tell Mike I really needed to go home and as usual, he said “Yes” to me and “Goodbye” to his relatives. I have a selfless husband who does understand.

I think most of us go through a ‘funk’ after a death and funeral, it’s part of the grieving process and normal. You’re spending time reminiscing about the person, looking through childhood pictures, laughing and crying at the same time, and Kleenex! I definitely went into a funky mood. It was Mike’s uncle but after 43 years of marriage, he was my uncle also. We just sheltered in place for the following week, with Mike leaving only for work. We’ve lost most of our local friends due to Mike’s crazy schedule. No one we know has such a backwards schedule. Then there’s me and my Vestibular issues… It takes a funeral or a doctor appointment to get me out of the house! It’s frustrating, it’s sad, it’s infuriating, and there are times I truly despise my Vestibular Disorder!

During this oh so funky period, Reed, a long time friend of ours called. I didn’t answer at first, then thought talking with him would likely make me feel better, as he’s also a great story-teller! I decided to video chat with him. We talked about what was going on in their lives, he had a lot going on! A new job, in a new city, in a new home. His daughter and her family live in Rockport, Texas. Yes, that Rockport! The direct hit of Hurricane Harvey. They lost everything, yet still had it all because her family got out… I told him about Mike’s uncle and he casually said, “So, I guess you heard about Lin…”. At our age, I knew what that meant, he had died. I sat there in total disbelief, in shock, feeling numb. It was a video chat, Reed could see quite clearly, that NO! I did not know that he died.

When Mike and I  married 43 years ago, Lin was Mike’s Best Man, with Reed being an Usher at our wedding. We grew up with these people! We did all the craziness of the ’70’s and we all survived! Most of our lives, we remained close with Lin and his wife. We had game nights, homemade snacks, and I’m sure way too many libations. Then for whatever reasons (maybe my stupid Vestibular Disorder for one?) we slowly drifted apart. It’s only in hindsight that we see our down falls and I regret not putting more effort into seeing each other. Lin dealt with Kidney Disease for decades and had been on dialysis for 21 years (10 years is the ‘normal’ life expectancy once put on dialysis). He also had coronary Disease, so it’s not as if we didn’t know he was ill, we just didn’t know how fragile he’d become. Now, I was going to have to tell Mike when he got home…

A Memorial was planned for the next day. I cried myself to sleep after Mike and I talked for hours into the night. I had a panic attack after thinking about ‘What if you die, Mike? ‘What if I die?’ and other depressing dialogue. Mike is a powerful force in my life, he held me, calmly reassuring me it would all be okay.  When we woke up several hours later (we’d stayed up way too late), I couldn’t breathe, at ALL! All my crying had plugged up my head, I felt the ‘fishbowl effect’. My ears were stopped up and ringing (new for me, I assume it was Tinnitus?). I took  decongestants and lay in bed awhile longer. As I got up from bed, bam! I became so dizzy and nauseated, it made me ill. “Oh my God, not now”! It was now… Right now! That’s the thing with a Vestibular Disorder or other Invisible Disorder/Disease, we can look okay, one minute you’re coping pretty darn well, then it knocks you flat. A Vestibular Disorder truly doesn’t give a shit what plans or responsibilities you have, even for a funeral. Mike went to the Memorial Service alone.  I stayed home. I felt just horrible, both physically and emotionally. These are the times I despise being sick…

I’m feeling very mortal after losing Lin at only 63 years of age. A good reason? In my mind, it’s just too young to die (because that’s too close to MY age?) One thing I do know, I have no idea when I’ll die, none of us do. With all this sadness and stress, there is something that eases our pain, Olivia, our granddaughter. There’s something about the innocence of a baby that keeps us going. She is wearing me out this is true but it’s been 38 years since I had my last baby and almost 9 years since our youngest grandson. I’m able to do less with each one. I’m not the same person I once was, which makes me sad. I’m working on ‘staying in the moment’ which isn’t difficult with Olivia. She’s a ‘granddad’s girl’, no doubt. I’ve begun meditation again. I find it very ‘centering’ and does aid in my stress reduction, I don’t know why I forget about this very useful tool.

I believe there is an ebb and flow with life and death. I believe in the circle of life. I believe that Yin cannot exist without Yang. As one heartbeat fades, a new heart is strongly beating in a child just entering our crazy world…

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