You will not…

You! Yes, you!

You, my many disorders,

You will not

take any more of me

than you already have.

You will not

make me into anything

I do not choose to be.

You will not

make me any older

than the years I’ve

lived.

You will not

steal my energy

that gives me life.

You will not

keep me from

enjoying

and

celebrating

   new life entering

into this crazy world.

You will not

stop me from basking

in the light

of

this new life.

For you see,

YOU are not

the boss

of ME!

Those of us living with Vestibular Disorders, our world can change from day to day, hour to hour, sometimes minute to minute. We can wake up feeling fine, maybe good enough to make plans, so we do. “That sounds like fun, let’s do it”! Then as you’re getting ready, ‘it’ hits you. Maybe you turned around too fast, closed your eyes while washing your hair, or a simple hair flip (because you look that good!), or your trigger set off the spins. Sometimes, I know exactly what caused it, others I have no idea. Such simple, everyday tasks or movements that the day before (an hour before!) gave you no problems.

This is probably the part I hate the most…canceling the plans I just made. I cancel more plans than I am able to follow through with. My friend is then left thinking, “But, I just talked to you and you were fine”. After a while, I’m just not asked any longer. I don’t blame them and I no longer blame myself. I did that for a long time, then one day it hit me, why am I blaming myself for something I never wanted or asked for? I realized that my self-loathing behavior was only making everything worse for me. It certainly added nothing to my life, so I stopped. Oh, it was a process, of course. Once I learned to love myself in spite of all I deal with, my world changed for the better.

I try to find something to be grateful for every day, which is difficult on one of ‘those’ days. I am thankful for all my days because the fact is, you never know what that day may bring. It could be something great and I want to experience it, if possible. On a ‘good’ day, my gratitude will just flow like a river! A ‘bad’ day? It gets very basic, “I am grateful to be alive”…”P.S. I wish I wasn’t dizzy today”!